TYPING IN CAPS BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID

GOD DAMMIT SAN FRAN

2008-11-06T10:28:00.002-08:00

way to go. gays can't marry and if you had brought it up TODAY we could have bled even more money out of utah, turned it into more of an issue, and had even more time to get dumbshit anti gay people on tv saying "i hate dem queermosexuals" this is the kind of movement that GAINS support over time because once you get people to actually think about it, they quietly vote against their parishioner. Nobody can learn to hate gays in that short period of time.

you people are so fucking eager you lost all sense of strategy. way to fucking go dumbshits.

Well Done Barack

2008-11-06T10:28:00.001-08:00

well done.

OH I LOVES ME SOME SELF RIGHTEOUSNESS

2008-05-20T22:32:00.000-07:00

So, of the 3 people who have linked to this I had someone comment on JUST HOW WRONG I AM, and he damn near did a godwin.

While I do want to give this guy a hug for being a democrat to the bone, I want to use his comments to illustrate exactly WHY I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF THIS BULLSHIT.

I understand he is not representative of the average democratic party member, his sentence structure is too complex.

If we wait to do any good thing until it does not galvanize the wingnuts, we will never do that thing. In this case, the good thing is the establishment of legal safeguards for a basic human right. Did we let, say, George Wallace decide when African Americans were allowed to participate fully in American society? No, of course not. Why should this be any different?

While I admire the fact you clearly read one of my previous posts, I am going to have to stop you right there. Don't retreat to a vaguely parallel argument and argue from there, it is intellectually flaccid and simply not a valid avenue of discussion. Civil Rights was its own beast and while minorities in both cases are involved, the gap is simply too large.

I am talking about a set of judges who could have AT ANY TIME reviewed this ruling instead allowed the enticing concept of judicial activism to take over, and here we are 2008 and making headlines. I will also point out that the previous ruling of this sort occurred in Massachusetts in 2004 DO YOU SEE A FUCKING PATTERN OCCURRING.

I received a list email this week from a local Democratic political consultant who says Obama will lose the election for Democrats because there are too many people who will never vote for an African American. I disagree strongly with this man, but suppose hypothetically that he is right: where are our obligations? and what would the effect be of not nominating Sen. Obama because he is Black?

Again with the parallel argument. BLACK PEOPLE ARE NOT HOMOSEXUALS, JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE BOTH MINORITIES DOES NOT ALLOW YOU TO FREELY COMPARE THE TWO GROUPS, IN FACT I AM PRETTY SURE THEY ARE BOTH FUCKING TIRED OF IT IF I HAD TO GUESS.

There is a difference between moral obligations and exploiting a hot topic in order to frame the talking points. This is divisive and smells like politics, just because it happens to actually be the right thing to do does not make it politics

I think you see where I'm going with this: we cannot forsake our obligation to do the right thing because it is inconvenient or even painful in the short term. The same is true of gay marriage. Will establishing same-sex marriage galvanize the wingnuts? It does not matter: we must advocate it anyway, if we wish to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror.

Now I respect that you have a very nice looking horse there but I am going to have to ask you to get off. That was a really nice line for a speech but I need you to put on your thinking cap and realize when you are being yanked around by some self serving politics. Gay marriage is OBVIOUSLY the right thing to do, but just because some asshat in an election year says "jump I have a good cause" does not mean you need to reply "how high"

i hate you all

Euler

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT CALIFORNIA

2008-05-19T21:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, gays ARE awesome. We know this. Fuck, even the GOP likes Elton John. However I am still required to say : GOD FUCKING DAMMIT CALIFORNIA.

WE TRIED THIS. DOES ANYONE REMEMBER 2004? ANYBODY? YOU HAVE GIVEN THE GOP SO MUCH CONSERVATIVE TRACTION NOBODY IS GOING TO CARE THAT WE SPEND THE GDP OF ECUADOR EVERY FUCKING DAY IN IRAQ.

WHO IS PUTTING A DICK IN WHAT IS THE LAST FUCKING THING THIS COUNTRY NEEDS TO WORRY ABOUT. (NOBODY CARES EXCEPT FOR THE REPRESSED HOMOSEXUALS ANYWAY)

I am for man and fruit marriages, despite the famous case of Johnson V Cantaloupe when Johnson was required to pay alimony to a CANTALOUPE.

So since i am such a problem solving visionary we are going to fix this schoolyard style. NEXT ONE TO BRING UP SAME SEX MARRIAGES IS A FAGGY FAGGY GAY WAD DICK BUTT.

There. Shut up you smoke screen running economy ruining love hating truth hiding red state tax avoiding economy draining coors lite chugging bastards. you are truly BASTARDS for judging love between any fruit and vegetable. If a pygmy moth wanted to marry a cauliflower you would let it happen if it meant profits you sycophantic corporate sluts. I hope someone goes V for Vendetta on your asses.

Still now that I have some of the shouting out of my system, California, sit down. You have the best of intentions but why they always happen to surface every four years is making me scratch my head a little. You could have tried this a while ago before a critical election was on the horizon and you could have made your point when superdelegates were not getting so many superblowjobs since they are supercitizens who make superdecisions that outweigh us. Remember, even though it is popular does not make it the right thing to do.

I am sure I will be called a centrist, or receive new hatemail from the "True Left" (seriously keep it coming you hilarious wanna be communists but are too busy smoking weed to care about anything but a blog, really, your opinion matters to me)

The simple fact is I LIKE TO WIN. And, since the people who are really going to get pissed about this post are the ones who are still stoned and just got up from a three's company marathon I will break down the situation for you: The economy is fucking tanking, and unless we hold the bastards who did this to THE ECONOMY (oh fuck i didn't even talk about the brave young and women who are being killed for no fucking reason) THE ECONOMY is going to take a good part of America's tough as nails hold on with your teeth fuck your credit card offer middle class with it. Congratulations you just founded a caste system, don't you feel like a fuck.

Hugs are great, but you sissies want to make it a central item of conversation for an election BAD FUCKING IDEA. HOW ABOUT WE ARGUE USING THE ECONOMY THAT THE GOP RAN INTO THE GROUND LIKE AN EARLY 90s FAD. THE ECONOMY HAS NUMBERS TO BACK ITSELF UP AND UNLESS YOU CAN GIVE ME AN EQUATION THAT READS

Same sex marriages = happy fun time
happy fun time = increase in consumer confidence

I DO NOT FUCKING CARE, BRING IT UP IN A YEAR NOT DIVISIBLE BY 4.

HEY LOOK ITS MOVEON.ORG

2007-12-17T13:42:00.000-08:00

I hate you all.

Instead try : FUCK YOUR SPIN ZONE, PEOPLE ARE GETTING KILLED

2007-09-17T11:49:00.000-07:00

NINE AND ELEVEN ARE STILL JUST TWO NUMBERS, OR GIBBERISH IF YOU SAY THEM TOGETHER FAST

It has been SIX years and we really need to shut the fuck up.

If Wikipedia is to be trusted we can count 2974 people dead and 24 still missing.

NEVER FORGET BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH ALHGAUHGH. When in actuality, we just had our membership card stamped and we joined the rich semi democratic nation club.

This shit happens world wide. And world wide, invasions don’t follow attacks like these.

You pathetic twats nodded vigorously, well, as vigorously as an invertebrate can nod, and allowed strong rhetoric and false patriotism to scare you into playing a career protection game. THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN A GAME OF “FIRST ONE TO SLAP HIS BALLS ON THE TABLE GETS TO BE PRESIDENT” Gravel put those away. YOU COULD HAVE YELLED LOUDLY AND SAID “THIS IS INSANITY, YOU CANNOT EQUATE TERRORISM AND NATIONS” and I know why you idiots didn’t do this, because you allow the media to frame you, you allow the republicans to fill out your rhetoric sheets and you let the general tone be set before you said a word. Standing there like Hamlet’s father WHEN YOU SEE A NATION GOING TO WAR FOR NO APPARENT REASON, WHEN THE AVERAGE DUMBASS KNEW THERE WERE NO WMDS, YOU THOUGHT ABOUT 08 BEFORE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT PEOPLES LIVES.

Now you get to earn 08. You have in front of you an endless buffet of incompetence, fear mongering rhetoric that is so thinly veiled its almost hilarious. THEY ACTUALLY SAID MUSHROOM CLOUD. And you applauded. Guess what you pathetic bunch of re election focused dick holes, none of you understand what really getting pissed off would do for you, and its sad.

Yell. Come out and tear shit down. Stop saying “well the republican center is here, so we can go plus or minus three strong words from their position” no. stop. You are staring a nation thirsty for real rhetoric. Real, honest to god politics. They don’t even know it yet.

Fucking lose it. Go on fox news and take off the gauntlets. John Stewart ripping into the crossfire guys was amazing, if you add up all the views for all the versions on youtube you are looking at millions. He came back a hero, the one person who wasn’t willing to play this insanity “hardball” shit and people loved it. It was delicious to see someone who didn’t buy into the crap.

SIDEBAR:
Do you remember that freshman girl in college who could have actually been really fucking hot if she would just think for herself? Definitely bright with potential but instead it was KAPPA KAPPA GAMMA WOOOO. This is the democratic party, sucking dick and playing beer pong instead of telling the status quo to fuck itself and graduating sigma cum laude.

Millions of people who want to hear a talking spin head to be told SHUT THE FUCK UP PEOPLE DIE EVERY DAY AND YOU DON’T TELL IT LIKE IT IS.

Do you have the slightest idea what this could do? WHY ARE YOU ALL ACTING LIKE 2012 IS IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND?

FUCKING THROW DOWN. YELL AT SOMEONE. GET ON THE “TOO HOT FOR CSPAN” TAPE. I DON’T FUCKING CARE BUT JESUS CHRIST WE ARE NOW SIX YEARS OLDER AND CERTAINLY NOT SIX YEARS FUCKING WISER.

Dodd, glad you could be awake for this.

WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY SAY LOUDLY “THIS IS INSANE, NATIONS DON’T PERPETRATE TERRORIST ACTS, PEOPLE DO. HOW ABOUT WE LOOK FOR THE DUDES BEHIND THIS. YEAH THAT SOUNDS GOOD”

Instead you whimpered like a fat kid in PE on pool day.

WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING ABOUT IRAQ LIKE IT MAKES SENSE? HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT SAYING ON CAMERA “NO, SERIOUSLY, WHY ARE WE THERE? I DON’T REALLY GET IT”

MORE AMERICANS HAVE DIED IN IRAQ THAN IN THE TERRORIST ATTACK NOW.

THAT’S RIGHT. YOU ACTUALLY HAVE THE NUMBERS ON YOUR SIDE NOW AND YOU DON’T FUCKING USE THEM. FOR PEOPLE WHO ATTENDED AMAZING SCHOOLS YOU WOULD THINK YOU COULD UNDERSTAND THE > SYMBOL.

Did you guys even listen to the shit that hit tony blair over this? Go to youtube now. Take notes. You will notice that the CONSERVATIVE party tore the LIBERAL party a new asshole over the COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY WAR.

NOW I WANT YOU TO CALL THE FIRST PARLIAMENTARY MEMBER YOU CAN FIND “when the ira bombed you, which country did you invade?” TRY HARD TO NOT PEE ON YOURSELF WHEN HE TELLS YOU.

THE NEXT PERSON TO SAY NINELEVEN WITHOUT QUICKLY FOLLOWING WITH “HAS BEEN USED LIKE A CHEAP HYPNOTIST'S WATCH” I SHOOT IN THE KNEECAP AND POOP IN THE WOUND.

THE ONE SLIDE POWERPOINT TO VICTORY

2007-09-04T23:02:00.000-07:00

The cartoonist who could be president

Because this man

(If you are a candidate stare at this like it is a magic eye. You might get the joke)

Could defeat the democrats in any debate.

It's a strategy any intellectually flaccid person can employ, I try to use it three times before lunch every day.

Step 1: compare situation to something else, the further reaching the better
Step 2: argue your point from the gross oversimplification
Step 3: win

Lets try it shall we?

The Iraq war is like pizza.
People sure love pizza.
I WIN. CHECK AND MATE.

This is my favorite part. The democrats don't seem to know what to do here. First they flail at this notion that the pizza example might be a bit too simple, but the first need to form an exploratory committee. Then they will try to argue the same point backwards.

Observe:

me: The Iraq war is like pizza
Obama: Ok, well then its like pizza with snakes on it.
me: Idiot, pizzas don't have snakes.
SOMETIMES WINNING ALL THE TIME IS BORING.

Back to the picture.
The first response is usually something along the lines of

I DISAGREE *dorky snort* if the Iraq war is a football game where 2.36 people die every day and that goes on for four years and change without any real point system and thus clearly your metaphor is flawed and might I suggest a sigma coefficient of 2.39 instead of …….

You already lost. Stop playing on their turf. They picked that example because they can win.

How to win:
Step 1: locate testicles (you too, Hillary)
Step 2: say big words
Step 3: don't over simplify.
YOU MAY NOTICE THAT THESE SEEM TO BE A RECURRING THEME ALREADY. IF YOU NOTICED THIS, YOU ARE NOT A DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE.

INSTEAD TRY:

Comparing the war to a football game is a disgrace, to even suggest Americans giving their lives is a game I find in the poorest of taste. I cannot find a fitting metaphor for the horrific situation our young men and women die in every day. We have been lied to and as a result have sent brave souls into a nation that has been pinned together by oppression and is now descending into a religious based civil war. This, dear sir, has no athletic metaphor, it is simply the greatest military movement based on the fewest true facts to date. The only thing accurate in your metaphor is the fact that the opposition has had to sit in the stands for so long but that ends today.

FUCK ME, I NOW OWN MY OPPONENT'S BALLS. NOW HE LOOKS STUPID FOR COMPARING IT TO A GAME. I WAS ABLE TO SHOW HE DISRESPECTS THE TROOPS (THE YELLOW RIBBONS SAY THAT'S BAD) AND I LOOK LIKE I MIGHT ACTUALLY FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHY SHIT'S SO TERRIBLE OVER THERE. NOT ONLY THAT , THE LAST LINE MAKES IT SOUND LIKE YOU ACTUALLY INTEND TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT (WHICH MIGHT GET YOU KICKED OUT OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY)

ARE YOU FUCKING LISTENING TO ME? DODD AWAKE? fuck my bad again.

The meeting that had to happen

2007-08-31T16:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, everyone here? Good. No, Hillary, I will not take a moment to thank anyone, sit down, shut the fuck up. Edwards, stop smiling. Gravel, put the chair down. Dodd, are your eyes open? I cant tell. Fuck it, let's begin.

Look. It's becoming painfully obvious that you guys are going to lose this election, because you are still retarded. I am going to, in simple English, explain how to win every election, forever. Edwards, why are you nodding? We haven't even started. And stop smiling.

Ok, I am passing around a box of pistols, use these on anyone who gives you advice after we talk. They are overpaid analysts and have made so many wrong decisions it's amazing none of you have gone to lobby the Atlantic ocean for votes. No, Richardson, nobody lives there. That's right. No electoral votes. Good job

Now let's get down to business. This is a list of things, if done, will win an election, and all elections in the immediate future, since you seem to be unable to do anything besides form committees

1. Shut up about gun control. It costs you votes, it's in the fucking Constitution, you will not change it. Come out and support it. It puts a bit of stubble on your crybaby face, and it's not like the republican candidates can perform a counter move here, they can just agree with you, making you look in control of the topics, Hillary shut up. THAT'S RIGHT, DEBATE CONTROL AND AN ARBITRAGE MOMENT.

2. Stop using the language given to you. Contrary to what you guys think, you do not actually have to file paperwork on what you call things in politics. That's right, all this liberal agenda / media shit, the label you so happily accepted ,you can change. IT'S JUST WORDS YOU FUCKWITS. Stop letting the Republican party name shit for you, instead of pro-choice you are now "pro keeping government out of medical decisions", or how about "against invasive legislation" or "pro limited, efficient government" HOLY SHIT DID I JUST TURN ABORTION INTO A SMALL GOVERNMENT ARGUMENT? You can practically hear some one's head in Kentucky explode over this one. If you do this you will have just: grown some balls, stepped out of the party line you so religiously tow, and- EDWARDS STOP SMILING, and finally stop playing by the rules the opponent gave you. Can you imagine if African Americans just said, well I guess we are just going to have to work with this n word thing. Call yourselves progressives, forward thinking, the liberty party.

3. Use hope, not fear. Say that it is our duty as Americans to understand that these people do not hate our freedom, they hate our foreign policies. They hate us for the friends and family our bombs have killed. HOLY SHIT DID I JUST TURN TERRORISM INTO A CASE TO SHRINK MILITARY SPENDING, WHY ARE YOU ALL SO STUPID. We have been beaten over the head WITH COLOR CODED THREAT LEVELS. COLOR CODED. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Come right out and say that fear accomplishes nothing; QUOTE FDR He had more guts in his polio-ridden toes than you do in your entire "career safe" election rhetoric spewing assholes that seem to have landed on your faces. You can keep thinking I am out of line Obama, this is your turn to listen.

4. Say big words. You people have at least attended some very good schools. Fucking act like it. Stop using generic politician language that makes people zone out. Sound smart. Sound like you are the smartest person in the fucking room, make the down talking grass roots guy look like he is way fucking out of his league. The steady trend has been to dumb yourselves down to speak to the average American. The average American IS NOT FUCKING QUALIFIED. We want to be impressed with your foresight, confident in your ability to make sound decisions and trust your sanity. Look at W. He bobs his head and smirks when he gets through a sentence without fucking it up. He is stupid, just plain ole stupid and you guys PLAYED ON HIS TURF. WHAT THE FUCK. SOUND LIKE YOU SHOULD BE HERE. Gravel, stop yelling and put your shirt back on, I'm glad I have fired at least someone here up. DODD WAKE UP, oh sorry.

5. Say global warming without using theory in the same sentence. Look guys, scientists get pissed off when this happens. Caring about the earth is not dumb, it's not even liberal, it's a fucking fact and you are all jerking off over what to name your REALLY NASTY LETTER TO ENERGY CORPORATIONS. Put the thesaurus down, you are failures. Ok Gravel, you are paying for that hole in the ceiling. Talk about your hope for America to be the pinnacle of innovation when dealing with this global crisis. Talk about America having the opportunity to lay the foundation of a more sustainable tomorrow, an environmentally sound business model, and you want to be the one to rally other nations to your cause. USE HOPE NOT FEAR. Talk about how attacking this challenge will be hard, but thousands of jobs will be created, the brightest minds put to work, and with the hard work and ability unique to America, we will best this obstacle. FUCK ME I JUST HIT GLOBAL WARMING UNEMPLOYMENT AND EVEN HINTED AT OUTSOURCING (even though it's not bad) TAKE NOTES YOU ASSHOLES. Yes, I have to curse this much Biden. Its just you, me, and the fbomb.

6. Say "FUCK" or "FUCKING" then refuse to apologize. Especially you Obama, you could be the Samuel L. Jackson of this election. Say something like "THIS WAR IS GETTING AMERICANS FUCKING KILLED" make it look like you care. When people die and you actually can do something about it, the natural response is not to produce paperwork. Don't back down either, say you feel strongly about this issue and you feel the language was warranted. Do not confuse this for the Cheney "asshole" line, it has to be about something important. Hillary, stop crying. Drop the Fbomb like you mean it. Ideally you will mean it. FUCKING HELL NOW YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE A HARDASS AND PASSIONATE.

7. Don't simplify. Shit is complicated. People get that. Simplifying hugely complex issues 1. makes you look stupid, 2. makes it look like you actually think you can solve religious based turmoil with paperwork, and 3. plays into the hands of "a dumb guy can do it" style of play. Show us you are bright by delving into the nuances of a situation, demonstrate that you understand both sides of an argument. Can you imagine if Kerry had spoken softly with an intricate analysis of the impending turmoil in Iraq rather than just say BUSH BAD over and over? Edwards stop smiling.

8. Never take another staged photo. Putting on a space suit does not make you an astronaut. Don't put on a hardhat and take stupid pictures, instead, take a group of hardworking guys out for a round of beer and let them talk to you. Sit down and shut up, don't tell them what you are going to do, let them tell you what they worry about before they go to bed. THE SHUT UP PART IS REALLY IMPORTANT, HILLARY. While these guys are telling you what they think over a beer, the press will have a boner they won't know what to do with. It will be you, a beaten up pub table and honest to god people, and YOU ARE NOT THE ONE TALKING. DON'T SAY SHIT LIKE "I HAVE A PLAN" OR ANY OTHER CRAP. TAKE NOTES. ON A LAPTOP, OH FUCK NOW YOU LOOK SAVVY. DID I JUST REPLACE YOUR MEDIA GUY FOREVER WITH ONE PIECE OF ADVICE, FUCK YES I DID. WHO CARES WHAT COLOR YOUR TIE IS WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO FIX A COUNTRY. Hell, the younger guys here should also appear unshaven. Yes unshaven. Look like you are working your asses off. People distrust polish and that's all you know how to do. STOP SMILING AND FIX SOMETHING

Taking a quick scan of the room I observe:

Obama - covered in his own vomit.
Hillary - still crying.
Richardson - in a pool of his own urine, trying to convince Edwards that the Atlantic is worth seven votes.
Dodd - asleep.
Biden and Kucinich - working on their new media angle, they are going to go for a rebellious Dukakis in your face style of campaign.
Gravel - Has ripped off the front two legs of his chair and has used his tie to construct makeshift nun chucks

It isn't pretty but these worthless sobs need to get yelled at. They have the biggest slam dunk of their careers in front of them and they can't get their fucking pants on.

~Euler