I hate you all.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Instead try : FUCK YOUR SPIN ZONE, PEOPLE ARE GETTING KILLED
NINE AND ELEVEN ARE STILL JUST TWO NUMBERS, OR GIBBERISH IF YOU SAY THEM TOGETHER FAST
It has been SIX years and we really need to shut the fuck up.
If Wikipedia is to be trusted we can count 2974 people dead and 24 still missing.
NEVER FORGET BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH ALHGAUHGH. When in actuality, we just had our membership card stamped and we joined the rich semi democratic nation club.
This shit happens world wide. And world wide, invasions don’t follow attacks like these.
You pathetic twats nodded vigorously, well, as vigorously as an invertebrate can nod, and allowed strong rhetoric and false patriotism to scare you into playing a career protection game. THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN A GAME OF “FIRST ONE TO SLAP HIS BALLS ON THE TABLE GETS TO BE PRESIDENT” Gravel put those away. YOU COULD HAVE YELLED LOUDLY AND SAID “THIS IS INSANITY, YOU CANNOT EQUATE TERRORISM AND NATIONS” and I know why you idiots didn’t do this, because you allow the media to frame you, you allow the republicans to fill out your rhetoric sheets and you let the general tone be set before you said a word. Standing there like Hamlet’s father WHEN YOU SEE A NATION GOING TO WAR FOR NO APPARENT REASON, WHEN THE AVERAGE DUMBASS KNEW THERE WERE NO WMDS, YOU THOUGHT ABOUT 08 BEFORE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT PEOPLES LIVES.
Now you get to earn 08. You have in front of you an endless buffet of incompetence, fear mongering rhetoric that is so thinly veiled its almost hilarious. THEY ACTUALLY SAID MUSHROOM CLOUD. And you applauded. Guess what you pathetic bunch of re election focused dick holes, none of you understand what really getting pissed off would do for you, and its sad.
Yell. Come out and tear shit down. Stop saying “well the republican center is here, so we can go plus or minus three strong words from their position” no. stop. You are staring a nation thirsty for real rhetoric. Real, honest to god politics. They don’t even know it yet.
Fucking lose it. Go on fox news and take off the gauntlets. John Stewart ripping into the crossfire guys was amazing, if you add up all the views for all the versions on youtube you are looking at millions. He came back a hero, the one person who wasn’t willing to play this insanity “hardball” shit and people loved it. It was delicious to see someone who didn’t buy into the crap.
SIDEBAR:
Do you remember that freshman girl in college who could have actually been really fucking hot if she would just think for herself? Definitely bright with potential but instead it was KAPPA KAPPA GAMMA WOOOO. This is the democratic party, sucking dick and playing beer pong instead of telling the status quo to fuck itself and graduating sigma cum laude.
Millions of people who want to hear a talking spin head to be told SHUT THE FUCK UP PEOPLE DIE EVERY DAY AND YOU DON’T TELL IT LIKE IT IS.
Do you have the slightest idea what this could do? WHY ARE YOU ALL ACTING LIKE 2012 IS IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND?
FUCKING THROW DOWN. YELL AT SOMEONE. GET ON THE “TOO HOT FOR CSPAN” TAPE. I DON’T FUCKING CARE BUT JESUS CHRIST WE ARE NOW SIX YEARS OLDER AND CERTAINLY NOT SIX YEARS FUCKING WISER.
Dodd, glad you could be awake for this.
WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY SAY LOUDLY “THIS IS INSANE, NATIONS DON’T PERPETRATE TERRORIST ACTS, PEOPLE DO. HOW ABOUT WE LOOK FOR THE DUDES BEHIND THIS. YEAH THAT SOUNDS GOOD”
Instead you whimpered like a fat kid in PE on pool day.
WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING ABOUT IRAQ LIKE IT MAKES SENSE? HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT SAYING ON CAMERA “NO, SERIOUSLY, WHY ARE WE THERE? I DON’T REALLY GET IT”
MORE AMERICANS HAVE DIED IN IRAQ THAN IN THE TERRORIST ATTACK NOW.
THAT’S RIGHT. YOU ACTUALLY HAVE THE NUMBERS ON YOUR SIDE NOW AND YOU DON’T FUCKING USE THEM. FOR PEOPLE WHO ATTENDED AMAZING SCHOOLS YOU WOULD THINK YOU COULD UNDERSTAND THE > SYMBOL.
Did you guys even listen to the shit that hit tony blair over this? Go to youtube now. Take notes. You will notice that the CONSERVATIVE party tore the LIBERAL party a new asshole over the COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY WAR.
NOW I WANT YOU TO CALL THE FIRST PARLIAMENTARY MEMBER YOU CAN FIND “when the ira bombed you, which country did you invade?” TRY HARD TO NOT PEE ON YOURSELF WHEN HE TELLS YOU.
THE NEXT PERSON TO SAY NINELEVEN WITHOUT QUICKLY FOLLOWING WITH “HAS BEEN USED LIKE A CHEAP HYPNOTIST'S WATCH” I SHOOT IN THE KNEECAP AND POOP IN THE WOUND.
It has been SIX years and we really need to shut the fuck up.
If Wikipedia is to be trusted we can count 2974 people dead and 24 still missing.
NEVER FORGET BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH ALHGAUHGH. When in actuality, we just had our membership card stamped and we joined the rich semi democratic nation club.
This shit happens world wide. And world wide, invasions don’t follow attacks like these.
You pathetic twats nodded vigorously, well, as vigorously as an invertebrate can nod, and allowed strong rhetoric and false patriotism to scare you into playing a career protection game. THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN A GAME OF “FIRST ONE TO SLAP HIS BALLS ON THE TABLE GETS TO BE PRESIDENT” Gravel put those away. YOU COULD HAVE YELLED LOUDLY AND SAID “THIS IS INSANITY, YOU CANNOT EQUATE TERRORISM AND NATIONS” and I know why you idiots didn’t do this, because you allow the media to frame you, you allow the republicans to fill out your rhetoric sheets and you let the general tone be set before you said a word. Standing there like Hamlet’s father WHEN YOU SEE A NATION GOING TO WAR FOR NO APPARENT REASON, WHEN THE AVERAGE DUMBASS KNEW THERE WERE NO WMDS, YOU THOUGHT ABOUT 08 BEFORE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT PEOPLES LIVES.
Now you get to earn 08. You have in front of you an endless buffet of incompetence, fear mongering rhetoric that is so thinly veiled its almost hilarious. THEY ACTUALLY SAID MUSHROOM CLOUD. And you applauded. Guess what you pathetic bunch of re election focused dick holes, none of you understand what really getting pissed off would do for you, and its sad.
Yell. Come out and tear shit down. Stop saying “well the republican center is here, so we can go plus or minus three strong words from their position” no. stop. You are staring a nation thirsty for real rhetoric. Real, honest to god politics. They don’t even know it yet.
Fucking lose it. Go on fox news and take off the gauntlets. John Stewart ripping into the crossfire guys was amazing, if you add up all the views for all the versions on youtube you are looking at millions. He came back a hero, the one person who wasn’t willing to play this insanity “hardball” shit and people loved it. It was delicious to see someone who didn’t buy into the crap.
SIDEBAR:
Do you remember that freshman girl in college who could have actually been really fucking hot if she would just think for herself? Definitely bright with potential but instead it was KAPPA KAPPA GAMMA WOOOO. This is the democratic party, sucking dick and playing beer pong instead of telling the status quo to fuck itself and graduating sigma cum laude.
Millions of people who want to hear a talking spin head to be told SHUT THE FUCK UP PEOPLE DIE EVERY DAY AND YOU DON’T TELL IT LIKE IT IS.
Do you have the slightest idea what this could do? WHY ARE YOU ALL ACTING LIKE 2012 IS IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND?
FUCKING THROW DOWN. YELL AT SOMEONE. GET ON THE “TOO HOT FOR CSPAN” TAPE. I DON’T FUCKING CARE BUT JESUS CHRIST WE ARE NOW SIX YEARS OLDER AND CERTAINLY NOT SIX YEARS FUCKING WISER.
Dodd, glad you could be awake for this.
WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY SAY LOUDLY “THIS IS INSANE, NATIONS DON’T PERPETRATE TERRORIST ACTS, PEOPLE DO. HOW ABOUT WE LOOK FOR THE DUDES BEHIND THIS. YEAH THAT SOUNDS GOOD”
Instead you whimpered like a fat kid in PE on pool day.
WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING ABOUT IRAQ LIKE IT MAKES SENSE? HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT SAYING ON CAMERA “NO, SERIOUSLY, WHY ARE WE THERE? I DON’T REALLY GET IT”
MORE AMERICANS HAVE DIED IN IRAQ THAN IN THE TERRORIST ATTACK NOW.
THAT’S RIGHT. YOU ACTUALLY HAVE THE NUMBERS ON YOUR SIDE NOW AND YOU DON’T FUCKING USE THEM. FOR PEOPLE WHO ATTENDED AMAZING SCHOOLS YOU WOULD THINK YOU COULD UNDERSTAND THE > SYMBOL.
Did you guys even listen to the shit that hit tony blair over this? Go to youtube now. Take notes. You will notice that the CONSERVATIVE party tore the LIBERAL party a new asshole over the COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY WAR.
NOW I WANT YOU TO CALL THE FIRST PARLIAMENTARY MEMBER YOU CAN FIND “when the ira bombed you, which country did you invade?” TRY HARD TO NOT PEE ON YOURSELF WHEN HE TELLS YOU.
THE NEXT PERSON TO SAY NINELEVEN WITHOUT QUICKLY FOLLOWING WITH “HAS BEEN USED LIKE A CHEAP HYPNOTIST'S WATCH” I SHOOT IN THE KNEECAP AND POOP IN THE WOUND.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
THE ONE SLIDE POWERPOINT TO VICTORY
The cartoonist who could be president
Because this man
(If you are a candidate stare at this like it is a magic eye. You might get the joke)
Could defeat the democrats in any debate.
It's a strategy any intellectually flaccid person can employ, I try to use it three times before lunch every day.
Step 1: compare situation to something else, the further reaching the better
Step 2: argue your point from the gross oversimplification
Step 3: win
Lets try it shall we?
The Iraq war is like pizza.
People sure love pizza.
I WIN. CHECK AND MATE.
This is my favorite part. The democrats don't seem to know what to do here. First they flail at this notion that the pizza example might be a bit too simple, but the first need to form an exploratory committee. Then they will try to argue the same point backwards.
Observe:
me: The Iraq war is like pizza
Obama: Ok, well then its like pizza with snakes on it.
me: Idiot, pizzas don't have snakes.
SOMETIMES WINNING ALL THE TIME IS BORING.
Back to the picture.
The first response is usually something along the lines of
I DISAGREE *dorky snort* if the Iraq war is a football game where 2.36 people die every day and that goes on for four years and change without any real point system and thus clearly your metaphor is flawed and might I suggest a sigma coefficient of 2.39 instead of …….
You already lost. Stop playing on their turf. They picked that example because they can win.
How to win:
Step 1: locate testicles (you too, Hillary)
Step 2: say big words
Step 3: don't over simplify.
YOU MAY NOTICE THAT THESE SEEM TO BE A RECURRING THEME ALREADY. IF YOU NOTICED THIS, YOU ARE NOT A DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE.
INSTEAD TRY:
Comparing the war to a football game is a disgrace, to even suggest Americans giving their lives is a game I find in the poorest of taste. I cannot find a fitting metaphor for the horrific situation our young men and women die in every day. We have been lied to and as a result have sent brave souls into a nation that has been pinned together by oppression and is now descending into a religious based civil war. This, dear sir, has no athletic metaphor, it is simply the greatest military movement based on the fewest true facts to date. The only thing accurate in your metaphor is the fact that the opposition has had to sit in the stands for so long but that ends today.
FUCK ME, I NOW OWN MY OPPONENT'S BALLS. NOW HE LOOKS STUPID FOR COMPARING IT TO A GAME. I WAS ABLE TO SHOW HE DISRESPECTS THE TROOPS (THE YELLOW RIBBONS SAY THAT'S BAD) AND I LOOK LIKE I MIGHT ACTUALLY FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHY SHIT'S SO TERRIBLE OVER THERE. NOT ONLY THAT , THE LAST LINE MAKES IT SOUND LIKE YOU ACTUALLY INTEND TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT (WHICH MIGHT GET YOU KICKED OUT OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY)
ARE YOU FUCKING LISTENING TO ME? DODD AWAKE? fuck my bad again.
Because this man
(If you are a candidate stare at this like it is a magic eye. You might get the joke)
Could defeat the democrats in any debate.
It's a strategy any intellectually flaccid person can employ, I try to use it three times before lunch every day.
Step 1: compare situation to something else, the further reaching the better
Step 2: argue your point from the gross oversimplification
Step 3: win
Lets try it shall we?
The Iraq war is like pizza.
People sure love pizza.
I WIN. CHECK AND MATE.
This is my favorite part. The democrats don't seem to know what to do here. First they flail at this notion that the pizza example might be a bit too simple, but the first need to form an exploratory committee. Then they will try to argue the same point backwards.
Observe:
me: The Iraq war is like pizza
Obama: Ok, well then its like pizza with snakes on it.
me: Idiot, pizzas don't have snakes.
SOMETIMES WINNING ALL THE TIME IS BORING.
Back to the picture.
The first response is usually something along the lines of
I DISAGREE *dorky snort* if the Iraq war is a football game where 2.36 people die every day and that goes on for four years and change without any real point system and thus clearly your metaphor is flawed and might I suggest a sigma coefficient of 2.39 instead of …….
You already lost. Stop playing on their turf. They picked that example because they can win.
How to win:
Step 1: locate testicles (you too, Hillary)
Step 2: say big words
Step 3: don't over simplify.
YOU MAY NOTICE THAT THESE SEEM TO BE A RECURRING THEME ALREADY. IF YOU NOTICED THIS, YOU ARE NOT A DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE.
INSTEAD TRY:
Comparing the war to a football game is a disgrace, to even suggest Americans giving their lives is a game I find in the poorest of taste. I cannot find a fitting metaphor for the horrific situation our young men and women die in every day. We have been lied to and as a result have sent brave souls into a nation that has been pinned together by oppression and is now descending into a religious based civil war. This, dear sir, has no athletic metaphor, it is simply the greatest military movement based on the fewest true facts to date. The only thing accurate in your metaphor is the fact that the opposition has had to sit in the stands for so long but that ends today.
FUCK ME, I NOW OWN MY OPPONENT'S BALLS. NOW HE LOOKS STUPID FOR COMPARING IT TO A GAME. I WAS ABLE TO SHOW HE DISRESPECTS THE TROOPS (THE YELLOW RIBBONS SAY THAT'S BAD) AND I LOOK LIKE I MIGHT ACTUALLY FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHY SHIT'S SO TERRIBLE OVER THERE. NOT ONLY THAT , THE LAST LINE MAKES IT SOUND LIKE YOU ACTUALLY INTEND TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT (WHICH MIGHT GET YOU KICKED OUT OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY)
ARE YOU FUCKING LISTENING TO ME? DODD AWAKE? fuck my bad again.
Friday, August 31, 2007
The meeting that had to happen
Ok, everyone here? Good. No, Hillary, I will not take a moment to thank anyone, sit down, shut the fuck up. Edwards, stop smiling. Gravel, put the chair down. Dodd, are your eyes open? I cant tell. Fuck it, let's begin.
Look. It's becoming painfully obvious that you guys are going to lose this election, because you are still retarded. I am going to, in simple English, explain how to win every election, forever. Edwards, why are you nodding? We haven't even started. And stop smiling.
Ok, I am passing around a box of pistols, use these on anyone who gives you advice after we talk. They are overpaid analysts and have made so many wrong decisions it's amazing none of you have gone to lobby the Atlantic ocean for votes. No, Richardson, nobody lives there. That's right. No electoral votes. Good job
Now let's get down to business. This is a list of things, if done, will win an election, and all elections in the immediate future, since you seem to be unable to do anything besides form committees
1. Shut up about gun control. It costs you votes, it's in the fucking Constitution, you will not change it. Come out and support it. It puts a bit of stubble on your crybaby face, and it's not like the republican candidates can perform a counter move here, they can just agree with you, making you look in control of the topics, Hillary shut up. THAT'S RIGHT, DEBATE CONTROL AND AN ARBITRAGE MOMENT.
Look. It's becoming painfully obvious that you guys are going to lose this election, because you are still retarded. I am going to, in simple English, explain how to win every election, forever. Edwards, why are you nodding? We haven't even started. And stop smiling.
Ok, I am passing around a box of pistols, use these on anyone who gives you advice after we talk. They are overpaid analysts and have made so many wrong decisions it's amazing none of you have gone to lobby the Atlantic ocean for votes. No, Richardson, nobody lives there. That's right. No electoral votes. Good job
Now let's get down to business. This is a list of things, if done, will win an election, and all elections in the immediate future, since you seem to be unable to do anything besides form committees
1. Shut up about gun control. It costs you votes, it's in the fucking Constitution, you will not change it. Come out and support it. It puts a bit of stubble on your crybaby face, and it's not like the republican candidates can perform a counter move here, they can just agree with you, making you look in control of the topics, Hillary shut up. THAT'S RIGHT, DEBATE CONTROL AND AN ARBITRAGE MOMENT.
2. Stop using the language given to you. Contrary to what you guys think, you do not actually have to file paperwork on what you call things in politics. That's right, all this liberal agenda / media shit, the label you so happily accepted ,you can change. IT'S JUST WORDS YOU FUCKWITS. Stop letting the Republican party name shit for you, instead of pro-choice you are now "pro keeping government out of medical decisions", or how about "against invasive legislation" or "pro limited, efficient government" HOLY SHIT DID I JUST TURN ABORTION INTO A SMALL GOVERNMENT ARGUMENT? You can practically hear some one's head in Kentucky explode over this one. If you do this you will have just: grown some balls, stepped out of the party line you so religiously tow, and- EDWARDS STOP SMILING, and finally stop playing by the rules the opponent gave you. Can you imagine if African Americans just said, well I guess we are just going to have to work with this n word thing. Call yourselves progressives, forward thinking, the liberty party.
3. Use hope, not fear. Say that it is our duty as Americans to understand that these people do not hate our freedom, they hate our foreign policies. They hate us for the friends and family our bombs have killed. HOLY SHIT DID I JUST TURN TERRORISM INTO A CASE TO SHRINK MILITARY SPENDING, WHY ARE YOU ALL SO STUPID. We have been beaten over the head WITH COLOR CODED THREAT LEVELS. COLOR CODED. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Come right out and say that fear accomplishes nothing; QUOTE FDR He had more guts in his polio-ridden toes than you do in your entire "career safe" election rhetoric spewing assholes that seem to have landed on your faces. You can keep thinking I am out of line Obama, this is your turn to listen.
4. Say big words. You people have at least attended some very good schools. Fucking act like it. Stop using generic politician language that makes people zone out. Sound smart. Sound like you are the smartest person in the fucking room, make the down talking grass roots guy look like he is way fucking out of his league. The steady trend has been to dumb yourselves down to speak to the average American. The average American IS NOT FUCKING QUALIFIED. We want to be impressed with your foresight, confident in your ability to make sound decisions and trust your sanity. Look at W. He bobs his head and smirks when he gets through a sentence without fucking it up. He is stupid, just plain ole stupid and you guys PLAYED ON HIS TURF. WHAT THE FUCK. SOUND LIKE YOU SHOULD BE HERE. Gravel, stop yelling and put your shirt back on, I'm glad I have fired at least someone here up. DODD WAKE UP, oh sorry.
5. Say global warming without using theory in the same sentence. Look guys, scientists get pissed off when this happens. Caring about the earth is not dumb, it's not even liberal, it's a fucking fact and you are all jerking off over what to name your REALLY NASTY LETTER TO ENERGY CORPORATIONS. Put the thesaurus down, you are failures. Ok Gravel, you are paying for that hole in the ceiling. Talk about your hope for America to be the pinnacle of innovation when dealing with this global crisis. Talk about America having the opportunity to lay the foundation of a more sustainable tomorrow, an environmentally sound business model, and you want to be the one to rally other nations to your cause. USE HOPE NOT FEAR. Talk about how attacking this challenge will be hard, but thousands of jobs will be created, the brightest minds put to work, and with the hard work and ability unique to America, we will best this obstacle. FUCK ME I JUST HIT GLOBAL WARMING UNEMPLOYMENT AND EVEN HINTED AT OUTSOURCING (even though it's not bad) TAKE NOTES YOU ASSHOLES. Yes, I have to curse this much Biden. Its just you, me, and the fbomb.
6. Say "FUCK" or "FUCKING" then refuse to apologize. Especially you Obama, you could be the Samuel L. Jackson of this election. Say something like "THIS WAR IS GETTING AMERICANS FUCKING KILLED" make it look like you care. When people die and you actually can do something about it, the natural response is not to produce paperwork. Don't back down either, say you feel strongly about this issue and you feel the language was warranted. Do not confuse this for the Cheney "asshole" line, it has to be about something important. Hillary, stop crying. Drop the Fbomb like you mean it. Ideally you will mean it. FUCKING HELL NOW YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE A HARDASS AND PASSIONATE.
7. Don't simplify. Shit is complicated. People get that. Simplifying hugely complex issues 1. makes you look stupid, 2. makes it look like you actually think you can solve religious based turmoil with paperwork, and 3. plays into the hands of "a dumb guy can do it" style of play. Show us you are bright by delving into the nuances of a situation, demonstrate that you understand both sides of an argument. Can you imagine if Kerry had spoken softly with an intricate analysis of the impending turmoil in Iraq rather than just say BUSH BAD over and over? Edwards stop smiling.
8. Never take another staged photo. Putting on a space suit does not make you an astronaut. Don't put on a hardhat and take stupid pictures, instead, take a group of hardworking guys out for a round of beer and let them talk to you. Sit down and shut up, don't tell them what you are going to do, let them tell you what they worry about before they go to bed. THE SHUT UP PART IS REALLY IMPORTANT, HILLARY. While these guys are telling you what they think over a beer, the press will have a boner they won't know what to do with. It will be you, a beaten up pub table and honest to god people, and YOU ARE NOT THE ONE TALKING. DON'T SAY SHIT LIKE "I HAVE A PLAN" OR ANY OTHER CRAP. TAKE NOTES. ON A LAPTOP, OH FUCK NOW YOU LOOK SAVVY. DID I JUST REPLACE YOUR MEDIA GUY FOREVER WITH ONE PIECE OF ADVICE, FUCK YES I DID. WHO CARES WHAT COLOR YOUR TIE IS WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO FIX A COUNTRY. Hell, the younger guys here should also appear unshaven. Yes unshaven. Look like you are working your asses off. People distrust polish and that's all you know how to do. STOP SMILING AND FIX SOMETHING
Taking a quick scan of the room I observe:
Obama - covered in his own vomit.
Hillary - still crying.
Richardson - in a pool of his own urine, trying to convince Edwards that the Atlantic is worth seven votes.
Dodd - asleep.
Biden and Kucinich - working on their new media angle, they are going to go for a rebellious Dukakis in your face style of campaign.
Gravel - Has ripped off the front two legs of his chair and has used his tie to construct makeshift nun chucks
It isn't pretty but these worthless sobs need to get yelled at. They have the biggest slam dunk of their careers in front of them and they can't get their fucking pants on.
~Euler
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