THE ONE SLIDE POWERPOINT TO VICTORY

The cartoonist who could be president

Because this man


(If you are a candidate stare at this like it is a magic eye. You might get the joke)

Could defeat the democrats in any debate.

It's a strategy any intellectually flaccid person can employ, I try to use it three times before lunch every day.

Step 1: compare situation to something else, the further reaching the better
Step 2: argue your point from the gross oversimplification
Step 3: win

Lets try it shall we?

The Iraq war is like pizza.
People sure love pizza.
I WIN. CHECK AND MATE.

This is my favorite part. The democrats don't seem to know what to do here. First they flail at this notion that the pizza example might be a bit too simple, but the first need to form an exploratory committee. Then they will try to argue the same point backwards.

Observe:

me: The Iraq war is like pizza
Obama: Ok, well then its like pizza with snakes on it.
me: Idiot, pizzas don't have snakes.
SOMETIMES WINNING ALL THE TIME IS BORING.

Back to the picture.
The first response is usually something along the lines of

I DISAGREE *dorky snort* if the Iraq war is a football game where 2.36 people die every day and that goes on for four years and change without any real point system and thus clearly your metaphor is flawed and might I suggest a sigma coefficient of 2.39 instead of …….

You already lost. Stop playing on their turf. They picked that example because they can win.

How to win:
Step 1: locate testicles (you too, Hillary)
Step 2: say big words
Step 3: don't over simplify.
YOU MAY NOTICE THAT THESE SEEM TO BE A RECURRING THEME ALREADY. IF YOU NOTICED THIS, YOU ARE NOT A DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE.

INSTEAD TRY:

Comparing the war to a football game is a disgrace, to even suggest Americans giving their lives is a game I find in the poorest of taste. I cannot find a fitting metaphor for the horrific situation our young men and women die in every day. We have been lied to and as a result have sent brave souls into a nation that has been pinned together by oppression and is now descending into a religious based civil war. This, dear sir, has no athletic metaphor, it is simply the greatest military movement based on the fewest true facts to date. The only thing accurate in your metaphor is the fact that the opposition has had to sit in the stands for so long but that ends today.

FUCK ME, I NOW OWN MY OPPONENT'S BALLS. NOW HE LOOKS STUPID FOR COMPARING IT TO A GAME. I WAS ABLE TO SHOW HE DISRESPECTS THE TROOPS (THE YELLOW RIBBONS SAY THAT'S BAD) AND I LOOK LIKE I MIGHT ACTUALLY FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHY SHIT'S SO TERRIBLE OVER THERE. NOT ONLY THAT , THE LAST LINE MAKES IT SOUND LIKE YOU ACTUALLY INTEND TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT (WHICH MIGHT GET YOU KICKED OUT OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY)

ARE YOU FUCKING LISTENING TO ME? DODD AWAKE? fuck my bad again.