Friday, August 31, 2007

The meeting that had to happen

Ok, everyone here? Good. No, Hillary, I will not take a moment to thank anyone, sit down, shut the fuck up. Edwards, stop smiling. Gravel, put the chair down. Dodd, are your eyes open? I cant tell. Fuck it, let's begin.

Look. It's becoming painfully obvious that you guys are going to lose this election, because you are still retarded. I am going to, in simple English, explain how to win every election, forever. Edwards, why are you nodding? We haven't even started. And stop smiling.

Ok, I am passing around a box of pistols, use these on anyone who gives you advice after we talk. They are overpaid analysts and have made so many wrong decisions it's amazing none of you have gone to lobby the Atlantic ocean for votes. No, Richardson, nobody lives there. That's right. No electoral votes. Good job

Now let's get down to business. This is a list of things, if done, will win an election, and all elections in the immediate future, since you seem to be unable to do anything besides form committees

1. Shut up about gun control. It costs you votes, it's in the fucking Constitution, you will not change it. Come out and support it. It puts a bit of stubble on your crybaby face, and it's not like the republican candidates can perform a counter move here, they can just agree with you, making you look in control of the topics, Hillary shut up. THAT'S RIGHT, DEBATE CONTROL AND AN ARBITRAGE MOMENT.

2. Stop using the language given to you. Contrary to what you guys think, you do not actually have to file paperwork on what you call things in politics. That's right, all this liberal agenda / media shit, the label you so happily accepted ,you can change. IT'S JUST WORDS YOU FUCKWITS. Stop letting the Republican party name shit for you, instead of pro-choice you are now "pro keeping government out of medical decisions", or how about "against invasive legislation" or "pro limited, efficient government" HOLY SHIT DID I JUST TURN ABORTION INTO A SMALL GOVERNMENT ARGUMENT? You can practically hear some one's head in Kentucky explode over this one. If you do this you will have just: grown some balls, stepped out of the party line you so religiously tow, and- EDWARDS STOP SMILING, and finally stop playing by the rules the opponent gave you. Can you imagine if African Americans just said, well I guess we are just going to have to work with this n word thing. Call yourselves progressives, forward thinking, the liberty party.

3. Use hope, not fear. Say that it is our duty as Americans to understand that these people do not hate our freedom, they hate our foreign policies. They hate us for the friends and family our bombs have killed. HOLY SHIT DID I JUST TURN TERRORISM INTO A CASE TO SHRINK MILITARY SPENDING, WHY ARE YOU ALL SO STUPID. We have been beaten over the head WITH COLOR CODED THREAT LEVELS. COLOR CODED. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Come right out and say that fear accomplishes nothing; QUOTE FDR He had more guts in his polio-ridden toes than you do in your entire "career safe" election rhetoric spewing assholes that seem to have landed on your faces. You can keep thinking I am out of line Obama, this is your turn to listen.

4. Say big words. You people have at least attended some very good schools. Fucking act like it. Stop using generic politician language that makes people zone out. Sound smart. Sound like you are the smartest person in the fucking room, make the down talking grass roots guy look like he is way fucking out of his league. The steady trend has been to dumb yourselves down to speak to the average American. The average American IS NOT FUCKING QUALIFIED. We want to be impressed with your foresight, confident in your ability to make sound decisions and trust your sanity. Look at W. He bobs his head and smirks when he gets through a sentence without fucking it up. He is stupid, just plain ole stupid and you guys PLAYED ON HIS TURF. WHAT THE FUCK. SOUND LIKE YOU SHOULD BE HERE. Gravel, stop yelling and put your shirt back on, I'm glad I have fired at least someone here up. DODD WAKE UP, oh sorry.

5. Say global warming without using theory in the same sentence. Look guys, scientists get pissed off when this happens. Caring about the earth is not dumb, it's not even liberal, it's a fucking fact and you are all jerking off over what to name your REALLY NASTY LETTER TO ENERGY CORPORATIONS. Put the thesaurus down, you are failures. Ok Gravel, you are paying for that hole in the ceiling. Talk about your hope for America to be the pinnacle of innovation when dealing with this global crisis. Talk about America having the opportunity to lay the foundation of a more sustainable tomorrow, an environmentally sound business model, and you want to be the one to rally other nations to your cause. USE HOPE NOT FEAR. Talk about how attacking this challenge will be hard, but thousands of jobs will be created, the brightest minds put to work, and with the hard work and ability unique to America, we will best this obstacle. FUCK ME I JUST HIT GLOBAL WARMING UNEMPLOYMENT AND EVEN HINTED AT OUTSOURCING (even though it's not bad) TAKE NOTES YOU ASSHOLES. Yes, I have to curse this much Biden. Its just you, me, and the fbomb.

6. Say "FUCK" or "FUCKING" then refuse to apologize. Especially you Obama, you could be the Samuel L. Jackson of this election. Say something like "THIS WAR IS GETTING AMERICANS FUCKING KILLED" make it look like you care. When people die and you actually can do something about it, the natural response is not to produce paperwork. Don't back down either, say you feel strongly about this issue and you feel the language was warranted. Do not confuse this for the Cheney "asshole" line, it has to be about something important. Hillary, stop crying. Drop the Fbomb like you mean it. Ideally you will mean it. FUCKING HELL NOW YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE A HARDASS AND PASSIONATE.

7. Don't simplify. Shit is complicated. People get that. Simplifying hugely complex issues 1. makes you look stupid, 2. makes it look like you actually think you can solve religious based turmoil with paperwork, and 3. plays into the hands of "a dumb guy can do it" style of play. Show us you are bright by delving into the nuances of a situation, demonstrate that you understand both sides of an argument. Can you imagine if Kerry had spoken softly with an intricate analysis of the impending turmoil in Iraq rather than just say BUSH BAD over and over? Edwards stop smiling.

8. Never take another staged photo. Putting on a space suit does not make you an astronaut. Don't put on a hardhat and take stupid pictures, instead, take a group of hardworking guys out for a round of beer and let them talk to you. Sit down and shut up, don't tell them what you are going to do, let them tell you what they worry about before they go to bed. THE SHUT UP PART IS REALLY IMPORTANT, HILLARY. While these guys are telling you what they think over a beer, the press will have a boner they won't know what to do with. It will be you, a beaten up pub table and honest to god people, and YOU ARE NOT THE ONE TALKING. DON'T SAY SHIT LIKE "I HAVE A PLAN" OR ANY OTHER CRAP. TAKE NOTES. ON A LAPTOP, OH FUCK NOW YOU LOOK SAVVY. DID I JUST REPLACE YOUR MEDIA GUY FOREVER WITH ONE PIECE OF ADVICE, FUCK YES I DID. WHO CARES WHAT COLOR YOUR TIE IS WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO FIX A COUNTRY. Hell, the younger guys here should also appear unshaven. Yes unshaven. Look like you are working your asses off. People distrust polish and that's all you know how to do. STOP SMILING AND FIX SOMETHING

Taking a quick scan of the room I observe:

Obama - covered in his own vomit.
Hillary - still crying.
Richardson - in a pool of his own urine, trying to convince Edwards that the Atlantic is worth seven votes.
Dodd - asleep.
Biden and Kucinich - working on their new media angle, they are going to go for a rebellious Dukakis in your face style of campaign.
Gravel - Has ripped off the front two legs of his chair and has used his tie to construct makeshift nun chucks

It isn't pretty but these worthless sobs need to get yelled at. They have the biggest slam dunk of their careers in front of them and they can't get their fucking pants on.



LanceThruster said...

Definitely laugh out loud stuff (and goddamn good advice - Hillary stop crying!).

How about an addition as well? Just about every politician in the room knows what I'm talking about - Hillary, the fetal positiion is most certainly NOT presidential.

You ALL need to say,
"AIPAC, shut the fuck up! You want to see how well the Z-Team does in the region when they're not sucking on the US teat then you give our politicians and our media some breathing rooom where they can put *US* interests first for once! Hillary, don't swallow your tongue!! You can quit sending us dual-loyalty "experts" (this presumes that any of them actually have any loyalty to America) that keep getting every single goddamn thing wrong. You Z-Teamers can keep churning out crappy entertainment by your relatives geared to the lowest common denominator cuz freedom means you can pick your own poison, but it stops there. And at least wait until the children have reached the age of consent before trying to shape them into sluts and horndogs."

No Hillary, we did not sign our own death warrants! And even still, far better to stand for something and fail, than to stand for nothing and succeed. Yes Gravel, I like your enthusiasm in slamming every else's head against the wall but let's try saving some of it for the other team.


Euler said...

uhhh, right.

LanceThruster said...

Sorry Euler. If you don't recognize the elephant in the room, then all the rest of it doesn't make a damn bit of difference.

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